As we are in the nine days, I share with you this communication with a Bochur who asked about a challenge he was having with ideological differences with others in his Shiur.
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Dear ______
I am happy you didn’t write the details of the argument you are having, and on which “side” you are… as I have my own opinions on this subject and that would inevitably cloud my judgement…
First of all, there is nothing wrong with differing opinions…
There is also nothing wrong with being the only one who’s opinions differ from those of his friends. That some of your friends are annoying you regarding your opinions reflects themselves, not of you…
Now to your question:
‘Achdus’ does not mean having the same opinion as someone else…
Achdus does not mean פשרה on matters against Halocha, nor does it mean sitting at an event that is making a Chilul Hashem.
Achdus means disagreeing with someone else’s opinion, and doing all you can to stick to the truth as you know it, whilst maintaining respect for the other person as a person and as a Yid.
Our brain has so much to do that wherever it can simplify matters by tying them together, it does that.
That is why you find that so many people have opinions that theoretically have nothing to do with each other… Yet, if one holds one opinion, they often hold the others too…
Let me be blunt and give some examples in matters that I don’t think I ever have:
How many people do you know who wear a Yarmulka with ‘Yechi’ written on it and have a yellow ‘Moshiach’ pin on their jackets but they don’t make a Goral Hagra with the Igros when they have a question?
How many people do you know who are of the opinion to that write on the Rebbe the title מה”מ but they also write זי”ע?
I assume you realise that none of those four things are connected… and theoretically one should have no bearing on the other.
Yet, I trust you will find that most people who agree with one opinion seem to agree with the same four…
Why? Because unfortunately we use a core opinion to become tribal… an opinion causes us to belong to a group…
The challenge is that whilst it is easier not to have to process and evaluate each opinion on its own merits, especially because we all want to ‘belong’… the problem then is that when we belong to a group, it becomes much harder to disassociate the ‘opinion’ from the ‘person’.
Every opinion that counters our own becomes a personal affront rather than a differing opinion.
So how do we help ourselves?
Let’s be honest, it is very hard… and is especially hard for me to ‘preach’ on a matter that I too am guilty of…
But let me tell you a trick one of my Mashpi’im taught me:
Any time you feel yourself getting angry at someone for an opinion they hold, it is more likely a personal matter rather than coming from a place of Kedusha.
I know, I know… those arguing with your opinion are pushing off דירה בתחתונים… but every עבירה does that. So if you are getting more wound up by the thing that is an affront to you than you are about the Yid who you have not yet reached to help do Mitzvos, there is a bigger chance that you are taking it as a personal affront than as a מלחמת קדושה.
Here is my suggestion: When you see someone making a Chilul Hashem, do something that will make a Kidush Hashem.
For each time you see someone not enhancing the Rebbe’s Kovod – do something that will bring the Rebbe Kovod.
Say a Kapitel Tehillim שיתמו חטאים, but leave the מחאות and מלחמות ה’ to the Rabonim. From your part be מוסיף in אור.
Dira Betachtonim is your responsibility. Kidush Hashem is your responsibility. The Rebbe’s Kovod is your responsibility.
But at hard as you can, try not to allow a difference in השקפה to cause personal animosity.
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As we stand during the three weeks, I shared this communication as a reminder that the Beis Hamikdosh was not destroyed due to differing opinions, nor due to lack of פשרה (despite popular opinion to the contrary), the Beis Hamikdosh was destroyed due to שנאת חינם – The translation of שנאה is hatred…